Wise Guy
by Tono Radish
Summary: This is the story of a man who finds that life can't be lived without laughter; and, with the help of a couple of hosts, he'll find he can do anything he puts his mind to as long as he has the right attitude and the right jokes!
1. Funny Man

**So… I told a lame joke today and realized… I tell a lot of lame jokes, be it over fanfiction or just in real life. Sigh, I wish I were funny… **

"Hey do you remember that gas shortage a couple of years ago and all the prices went up like crazy?"

"…What does that have to do with anything?"

"Haha, not much I guess. Oh, did you see that movie where the internet is shut down all over the world and they have to fight this virus to stop this satellite from crashing into the earth?"

"Again, what does that have to do with anything?"

"Not much… Hey… Subeta…"

"I didn't give you permission to use my first name, Otsu Nakaguri."

"Oh.. well, Gaishō-chan, I was wondering… would you want to go out with me?"

She put her hand on her hip, "As if, you know I only date funny boys."

It was then Otsu fell into a pit of despair. His glasses went white and his face drained of color. His straight black hair frizzed slightly and he felt sick. It was then he thought to himself:

_If only I could be funny like my brother, he's cool and totally sexy and great when it comes to dealing with fly honeys. Curses! Even modern kick back slang can't make me funny!?_

Subeta Gaishō floated away and rambled on about said brother. He was handsome and stylish and over all: FUNNY.

He watched her leave and fell to his knees, he's so lame, he's Otsu Nakaguri. The guy who was voted least interesting, because his looks were ordinary and he couldn't crack a joke to save his life. No one, not once, ever laughed when he was around. No one really hated him, they just couldn't have fun around him. If that didn't kill you on the inside his older brother was his exact opposite.

His parents thought that maybe if he went to school with amazing rich kids then maybe he would act less like an accountant or a dentist. His parents were screenwriters and famous for amazing comedies. Everyone in his family was funny, everyone but him.

So it was his famous rep as "The Joke Killer" that brought him to this place: The Ouran High School Host Club. Word on the street is that the beautiful boys who played around in Music Room 3 could work miracles. I know that they usually only help girls, I mean their motto is "make every girl happy," but I've learned enough to beat the system.

I quietly opened the door and stood fast. The trick was to get them to see me. Once they saw me they'd inquire about my presence. The fact is I lack presence so I was left to stand there for twenty minutes.

I sighed and slumped over to where Tamaki was sitting. He was basically a more frivolous and flirty version of my brother. I dropped to my knees, my eyes turning completely white, as I slammed my face into the ground.

"I WANT TO BE FUNNY! PLEASE!"

The blonde noticed me and looked befuddled. So I continued to scream.

"I'VE STUDIED YOU GUYS FOR A WHILE NOW AND AS A HOST CLUB YOU'RE MORE FUNNY THAN YOU ARE ROMANTIC SO IT SHOULD BE EASY FOR YOU TO HELP ME! PLEASE! MAKE ME A FUNNY GUY!"

The clubroom was quiet and all eyes were on me, but of course, no one was laughing. Instead the host king got mad at me.

"Excuse me! Not romantic? Why on earth do you think these girls keep coming back?"

"BECAUSE YOU GUYS ARE FUNNY!"

"Why I never-"

I held out my wallet, "I'LL PAY TOP DOLLAR!"

The blonde was silenced by the appearance of a bespectacled, black haired, much more handsome than I could ever be, Mr. Kyoya Otori.

"Welcome to the host club. You'll meet with us everyday for the rest of this week and you will not disrupt club activities again, am I clear Mr. Otsu Nakaguri?"

"Crystal," I squeaked, looking around some more.

And that is the story of how I decided to take control of my life and become a funny man so that Subeta Gaishō would fall in love with me… How could this possibly go wrong?

**Yeah first chapter! Uhhh this isn't going to be a serious project, just something I do on the side. It'll be pretty short, but it's a story I've wanted to do for a while… I'm sure it started out okay but I got kind of tired in the middle and was like "fuck it… I'm just gonna sum this all up in a couple of quick sentences and a little dialog. Looks good."**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	2. Happy Guy

**Yeah, I'm back. Last night I really wasn't feeling this story but I woke up this morning like "Yeah, I can dig it!" So here I am, updating again, way earlier than I usually do. Behold chapter two.**

Above all, I've found that a girl will fall for any guy as long as he can make her laugh.

I guess somehow I became convinced that I would never be truly happy until I could fall in love. I blame this misconception on supernatural teenage romance movies and an early exposer to English rock music about suffering and exgirlfriends.

I called this a misconception but so far it hasn't been wrong. I've never been very happy, and I've never had a girl, so this can only make sense right?

Final Conclusion: Become a funny guy and fall in love with Subeta Gaishō and become a happy guy.

Easier said than done. Why did I bring this up? Well I want you, the reader, to understand why I am here at The Ouran High School Host Club in Music Room 3. I am here because I want to become a funny man, and I want to make people laugh and smile and be happy, something I've never been able to do simply because I am not funny.

You want to know who is funny though? My mom is funny, she writes romcoms for Hollywood. My dad is funny, he writes action comedies for Hollywood. My older brother is funny, he was a comedian from day one. Mom says they got him a dog who's name was "Little Bits" but he couldn't say it so he called it "Little Bitch." Even now it causes every adult to crack up. My older brother can say and do anything and basically make everyone laugh. He could kill a man and crack a joke and suddenly they'd all forget he was a murderer. That's how funny he is, and to top it off he's really nice and handsome. He's a senior, a third year, and has already done all sorts of talk shows, stage shows, and has written four intellectual comedies.

And then there's me, Otsu Nakaguri. I'm not funny at all. I don't talk much either because I'm so unfunny that I kill all conversation. I'm not good at anything useful. Not to say I'm not good at anything, I made it to the Japanese nationals for Ouran's math team. I've done so every year. Even before ouran I've been pretty good at math. Not to mention I have a particular respect for dentists and their work on teeth and gums, particularly gums. It is my lack of flare and comedic timing that has earned me the title of "The Joke Killer."

Today is Tuesday and I am on a lavish couch in the Ouran Host Club where I am trying to learn how to be funny while simultaneously blowing obscene amounts of money. I've already tried watching movies, comedians, reading books, ehow, wikihow, youtube, and anything else that could possibly make me funny. These handsome boys are my last hope.

"Now, repeat after me," said Tamaki the Host King, "I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

There were some slight chuckles at this joke from all but Haruhi Fujioka, the honor student. Not only is he incredibly dense, but he actually likes to work hard unlike the rest of us. I nodded and took in a breath.

"IlikeworkitfascinatesmeIcansitandlookatitforhours!"

They just stared, I failed. Tamaki swatted me on the head.

"No! No! No! No! It's all about comedic timing! You have to plan the joke out, not just spew out some words!?"

"Funny you should say that," said one twin.

"You never once plan out anything," said the other.

"Hrmmmm!?" Woah he sounds like a dog, "Shut it! I'm trying to help this… guy… out! Uhh what's you're name again?"

"Otsu Nakaguri?"

Tamaki's shoulders fell, "Wow that's unfortunate."

The room was quiet for a second and Tamaki began again, "Remember! Timing is everything. I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

Once again there were little chuckles all around the room. I'd call them giggles but chuckles are apparently the more manly version of giggles. Once again I took a breath and said it exactly as Tamaki did.

"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

The room watched me and I tried to be as normal as possible but then Honny made the statement I feared the most.

"Somehow… it's not funny when he says it?"

"Yeah," agreed the giant Mori.

"I don't see how it was funny in the first place?" said Haruhi.

They all just laughed and crowded around him making jokes about his good work ethic while I fell to my knees in the corner. I wasn't even cool enough to get a spot light like Tamaki did when he fell into despair. No, I was just there, completely unseen, completely unfunny.

Kyoya tapped my shoulder with a heart-warming smile that shined _"I BELIEVE IN YOU!" _I smiled, wiping the tears from my eyes, thinking he's so kind.

"So will you be paying cash, credit, or check?"

HEARTLESS! ABSOLUTELY HEARTLESS!

I sighed, maybe it was futile? What am I doing here anyway? I murmured to myself the words of Subeta.

"Sorry… but I only date funny guys…" And I'm boring.

The twins turned around and watched me for a second. Then they made very disappointed faces.

"Oh no, don't tell me," said one.

"That this is for some girl," said the other.

I looked up, "uh huh…"

"She sounds like more trouble than she's worth then," said the first one.

I got up to defend her, "that's not true!"

"Let me ask you this," continued the other, "If she was really worth it she wouldn't be asking you to become something that you could never be?"

I fell over again, "yeah… you're right… I always knew I'd never be the funny man. My mom's funny, my dad's funny, hell my brother wrote the book, and you guys are all funny too. Everyone's funny… So then why? Why is it that I'm the only one who can't make her, or anyone for that matter, laugh or even crack a smile!?" I was shaking I was so sad but I sounded more like a lunatic, crazed with the jealousy of everyone else in the world, oh yeah… that's because I am. I fell back over, letting my face lie flat on the floor.

"I always thought that if I tried my hardest maybe, just maybe I could make someone laugh, maybe I could make someone happy and be happy too? It's all I've ever wanted… HEY YOU'RE NOT EVEN LISTENING!?"

They had their backs at me as they laughed at Tamaki throwing a tantrum about something Haruhi absentmindedly said. I moped and got to my feet and slumped away to the door. No sense in me staying in this place.

"So different now from what it seemed… Now life has killed the dream I dreamed," I quietly sang to myself.

Suddenly they grabbed me and threw me into a chair. They mumbled to each other in a circle.

_"Did he just say something that could be considered funny!?"_

_"He appropriately referenced another fanbase!?"_

_"There's still hope!"_

They all turned back to me, Tamaki was smiling, "You did it Otsu! Your comedic timing was spot on! I always believed in you!"

I paused, "Wait… I said something… funny?"

The dominant twin shrugged, "Well I wouldn't call it hilarious or anything close to that…"

The other twin followed, "… but yeah it could be considered funny?"

I scrambled to my feet, "well what did I say!?"

There was a sudden gloom. I failed them once again and I sat back down.

I looked up at them, "It's all about comedic timing right? So word play could work right?"

Then Honny chirped and climbed onto the shoulders of Mori.

"Yeah, word play can be funny!"

"Okay... I'VE GOT IT! How about... 'I got in trouble for drinking pop, because it was my pop's!'"

Once again… doom and gloom. Silence and a dark cloud of misfortune hovered over us all.

"Does that even count?" asked Twin number two.

"I don't know but it still made my ears bleed," replied the other rubbing his temples.

Tamaki's eye twitched, "well it seems we still have a lot of work to do but at least we still have hope… or something close to it… well we have the memory of the hope we had earliet that was completely annihilated but Otsu's 'play on words.' Ready yourself men… we still have a long way to go."

**Yay chapter 2! Man this was a pain to write. I think this chapter was slightly funnier than the last one but even so I'm still not actually getting the flow I want for this. Wish me luck on the next chapter.**


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